PART ONE, singer, songwriter, original music, musician, music, joy - Page Thirty-Six

This week's Guest is Candy Dinsmore-Bekaan, the host of Pages Of A Story! Hosted by Matthew DeMeritt!
Join us as Candy talks to us about her music, her journey with songwriting and the joy she lives by creating.
This episode includes a mixture of played live music, professional recordings and music of the past. This is Part One, Part Two is the next episode!

**Trigger warning: Talk of sexual abuse, death, grief.**

You can find Candy's PART ONE episode here:
Watch: https://youtu.be/bKo472RHw8c
Listen: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1959737/12355269

You can find Candy's episode PART TWO here:
Watch: https://youtu.be/eq2UwWFHSF0
Listen: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1959737/12368152

You can follow Candy here:
https://www.linktr.ee/musicbycandy
https://www.linktr.ee/pagesofastory

_________________________________________________

Please subscribe and follow Pages Of A Story here:
https://linktr.ee/pagesofastory

#personalstories #pagesofastorypodcast #pagesofastory #lifeexperience #music #singer #singersongwriter #songwriter #originalmusic #greatestbreakdancerobotshow #musicjoy #musician #folkmusic

Hosted by Candy Dinsmore-Bekaan
Theme music by Matthew DeMeritt

Pages Of A Story episodes feature individuals' perspectives and opinions and should not be taken as advice on how to live your lives. Please enjoy and be safe.

If you are struggling please reach out to a healthcare professional or the suicide prevention hotline:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 833-456-4566

Matt: So, I'm gl - I'm really glad I met you. I met you what, in 2007? Your sister introduced me to you, yeh, because I was recording with your sister and she said, you've gotta hear my sister's voice. She's got a real talent for songwriting and she's got a very unique voice and I think you'd like her. And I thought I was so excited, ‘cause I was like, what? Double Dinsmore. That would be kick ass.

Candy: Double Dinsmore.

Matt: And she was, she was right. So, that's how we first got introduced. So, we started recording songs together, but you've got a whole history before that , right? You grew up in a musical family. Your sis - your dad was a musician and your, did, was your mom a musician too?

Candy: She was a songwriter.

Matt: She was a songwriter.

Candy: Yeah.

Matt: Okay. Did they write songs together?

Candy: They did, no, they wrote multiple songs together. They -

Matt: So, you grew up hearing them -

Candy: Mm-hmm.

Matt: jam and, and, and sing along together.

Candy: And then they included us in the mix, right?

Matt: Right.

Candy: But they had actually met at a party where my dad was playing. He was, you know, he always had his guitar, so he was always singing, always playing. And they met there and fell in love and that was the end of that. Then they started writing together. So, my dad was always in bands and writing music and all that stuff, yeah.

Matt: So you, you, you and Holly would hear it every day basically. Um, was it a daily thing?

Candy: It was a daily thing, yeah. And then, um, one year my dad came home with a singing machine. It was massive. It was the biggest singing machine you would ever see in your life and -

Matt: Like a karaoke -

Candy: Yeah.

Matt: machine?

Candy: Yeah.

Matt: Okay.

Candy: But it was an eight track.

Matt: Eight tracks of like backing tracks that you could sing to?

Candy: Yeah. Yeah.

Matt: Okay.

Candy: So, it was karaoke eight tracks and that was just the coolest thing that he could have ever brought home because we all fell in love with it. So, he then built a stage in our basement out of brick and that's where we performed. We were performing there probably every night.

Matt: Is that a lot of the old videos that I saw of you and, and Holly, that's, I seem to remember a stage made of brick.

Candy: Yeah. And there's the mirror behind. Yeah. Yeah. It was a whole, it was a whole thing. We had so much fun singing together and yeah.

Matt: Yeah, it was very natural.

Candy: It was, it was something that all of us loved doing and mom, mom always said she couldn't sing, um, but she had had throat operations -

Matt: Uh huh.

Candy: So, her voice was constantly changing, but she, she loved to sing and she loved hearing us sing, which was nice ‘cause we always had an audience, and she loved writing songs. So that was, yeah.

Matt: What was the earliest memory that you had of singing with your family together and with Holly there and just the whole gang just, just singing together? Would they encourage you to, to sing along with the lyrics or did you just do it naturally?

Candy: I made up a lot of songs on my own that were gibberish. I, I loved, like, one of the biggest things was singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but it was called Hoshi Poshi and I was very, I was very passionate about this song, but it was all gibberish and you know, I was like three years old doing this. I do recall us all singing together and I sung a lot with my dad while he played guitar. Um, so we had very, like, staple songs that we always sang together, like Calendar Girl and Teddy Bear and Daddy What if. I don't know if you know any of these.

Matt: Are these count, no, none of 'em ring a bell. But are these like country songs or old pop tunes or -

Candy: Yeah, they're more, yeah. Um, I mean, Teddy Bear is Elvis.

Matt: Okay.

Candy: So, you should probably know that one. But my dad did listen to a lot of country and stuff like that. I, I always felt encouraged to sing and to, um, express myself vocally ‘cause that's what everybody else in the family was doing, also. I was a very sensitive child. I don’t know if I wanna use the word shy, but that was kind of part of it. I was very empathetic and I, I felt really big emotions and so sometimes I would feel uncomfortable singing -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - thinking, you know, um, my sister was going into a career at the time of professional singing and my dad had been playing and singing for so many years before that. So, there were definitely times where I felt maybe uncertain of my ability to perform alongside.

Matt: Sure and that's a natural thing, too. So, it's kind of a dumb question really, ‘cause everybody has that. But, um -

Candy: It's not dumb though because, I mean, everyone's family is different dynamics and when you're in a family with so many other people who are, you know, songwriting and singing and, and being musicians and stuff, it, I don't know I think it would probably be potentially a mixed bag -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - for everybody.

Matt: You didn't seem like an introvert in those videos. You seemed pretty, like, you'd come outta your shell.

Candy: I, at one point, what grade was it? I don't know. I started going into the plays at school and singing on stage and I loved it. My, we had little bios and my bio said that I wanted to be an actress and that is truly what I wanted to be in that moment.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Yeah. It was a very easy thing for me to get into wanting to perform and be on stage and, and do stuff like that.

Matt: Yeah and having all the acceptance from your sister and your parents, that that

really helped, right?

Candy: Right. Yeah, like there was definitely encouragement because that is what we all enjoyed doing, you know? It wasn't like some thing outside of the family where I wanted to be a hockey player or -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Nothing wrong with hockey, but I mean like, it wasn't different than what everybody else was already doing. Yeah.

Matt: Yeah. You were very fortunate to grow up in an environment like that ‘cause I know I tried out singing, you know, a few times when I was a kid, but I didn't come from a musical family. My brother would goof on me if I was off key and that would just, like, that would just stop any kind of singing experimentation at all, because you have to sound horrible at first, before you become good.

Candy: Right.

Matt: So, for you to come, come from a music family, that, that understood that you're not always gonna sing perfectly. You know, when you're young, you're developing that talent.

Candy: I mean, I, I was made fun of for sure. And you know what I mean? There were definitely times like -

Matt: Yeah. Especially, yeah, of course your dad would break your balls.

Candy: Right, but I mean, like in between siblings and stuff, too. Like, it's, um, it's something that definitely happens and I was trying to find my voice. I, I was in a very high register when I was young. Like, I would sing really high and I would just go there. I don't know if that's a normal, typical thing, but for me, everything I sang, I, I sung really high.

Matt: Yeah and is it because that, your technique was wrong? Because you weren't singing from your diaphragm or, or, or whatever?

Candy: Oh, I'm sure it was a massive amount of stuff including that because -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - um, because I didn't know what I was doing. I was just singing. I was just being a kid and I was singing, and you know, I was a very, um, I cared about what I was singing about, so I'm sure I was really passionate about it. And -

Matt: Yeah, yeah.

Candy: - maybe that made me sing higher. I don't know.

Matt: Yeah, I think that's a, that's a normal thing just to get, I think that's how I started too, was like falsetto and it's like, you should be singing from your diaphragm or whatever.

Candy: Right. And I mean -

Matt: You learned all that later.

Candy: I learned it later. I didn't learn it then.

Matt: I'm getting back into drumming now, and it's been a, a long time since I've actually had an instrument where I could actually, instead of programming drums, which I did for several years after I, I gave up drums because I moved into apartment and I couldn't set up my drums in there. So, it was just like, it was all electronic music after that and programming drums until I could figure out what my physical instrument would be.

Now I'm getting to that and I have a, a physical instrument that I'm literally drumming on and I look at myself in the video and listening to my recordings back to see how I'm, I'm improving and I just, when I see myself getting into the groove, I get a shot of confidence and I realize, okay, you are a drummer. All that insecurity that you had about never being able to get it back or maybe never even being a legit drummer to begin with, that goes away ‘cause you're just like, ah, I'm, I'm pretty good and I can, I'm getting better at it and I can develop this. At what point did you feel confident in your voice where you, you realized that you could call yourself a, a vocalist, you know, legit vocalist. Was there a better point like that?

Candy: There was, but it came a lot later than, than

Matt: A lot later?

Candy: - than it, than it maybe should have. I mean, you and I were doing songs together. I was, I grew up always being, I was a poet. I, I wrote poetry, like it was going outta style. And it has not gone outta style, by the way. Um, so I wrote a lot of that, and then eventually -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - some of those poems turned into songs. It took me a while to get to that place of being able to say, I am a, I'm a singer songwriter, even though it's literally something that I do.

Matt: Yeah, yeah.

Candy: And I think that we're so afraid to give ourselves these titles as in, you know, I'm a drummer and thinking, but am I a drummer because I'm not where I would like to be. Or maybe I'm, I compare myself to this other person and they are, they're a drummer and I mean, do you use drums? Yes. Are you playing them? Yes.

Matt: Oh, right. Yeah.

Candy: Yes. Then you were a drummer.

Matt: Sure.

Candy: And it took me a really long time to get to that place. Being able to say, I'm a musician ‘cause I play guitar and ukulele and what -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: You know, I've added, I've added a whole bunch of other stuff that I like to fiddle around with.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: Am I an expert at them?

Matt: Mm-hmm.

Candy: No. But am I those things? Yes, I am.

Matt: Absolutely. And you're very good at, especially as, as a guit - your timing is impeccable.

Candy: I appreciate that.

Matt: On guitar.

Candy: I definitely get that from my father. After, after mom and dad died, there was a whole lot of, well, a whole lot of grief, a whole lot of shifting and a whole lot of, who am I?

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Who am I now that they are gone? I have a different identity, I'm a different person. You know, I was a caregiver to them for twenty years. Like, what -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Who are you now? So, when that happened, I decided I wanted to focus on my, myself and, and what brought me joy and what made me happy. And it was something that I didn't have a lot of room to do when I was a caregiver all the time and, and being stressed and worried and all that stuff.

So, I decided to finish my Aromatherapist certification and then, ‘cause it was something I always wanted to do. Then I went to the Cannabis Coaching Institute and became a Cannabis Coach. And during that training we did so much mindfulness work and it was, it was really truly a catalyst for me to move into this different part of my life where I was deciding. I was deciding who I was -

Matt: Mmhmm.

Candy: - and what I wanted in my life and what I didn't want in my life. And within that I started to want to understand my voice more and have it heard -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - and actually have it heard instead of hiding behind, you know, hiding from it.

Matt: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Candy: Through that process, which was, you know, it was a, a gradual process. I decided that I was going to explore those things again because I sing every day. I sing every single day. I have my entire life. It is something that I love to do. I make up dumb songs as I walk -

Matt: Mmhmm.

Candy: - through the house.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: I make up dumb songs about my kid -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - or about my cat. And I was also, I do, like -

Matt: Did your dad do that? Did your dad -

Candy: Oh yeah.

Matt: I'm wondering where that comes from ‘cause Holly does that, too.

Candy: We, we all do it.

Matt: It's a feature of the Dinsmores.

Candy: I don't believe mom did it.

Matt: Mm-hmm.

Candy: But my dad absolutely.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: He, he had to narrate everything through song or yeah, through jokes.

Matt: That’s awesome.

Candy: So, I decided I wanted to really explore my voice and start to understand it a little bit better and in that process I finally was able to say, I am a musician, I am a singer, I am a songwriter.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: I'm not, I think that we're worried that when we claim those things or when we say those things that others are gonna say, but are you?

Matt: Right, right.

Candy: Are you really? Are you famous? Are you -

Matt: Yeah. They wanna make you, they wanna make you, they wanna give you imposter syndrome basically.

Candy: Yeah, right. Exactly. Imposter syndrome. It is so, such a big thing, uh, for all of us, every single day for everyone and any kind of whatever. But yeah, as, as a musician and as a singer and as a songwriter, it was huge imposter syndrome. It was very easy for me to think, well, you know, I'm not doing it professionally, or I'm not going into this studio, or I'm not trying to get up on stage in this moment. So, it makes you doubt yourself. Thankfully, I was able to come back to a place of facts are facts.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And if you're writing a song, guess what?

Matt: Yeah. Right, right. Yeah.

Candy: You're a songwriter. Are you walking around saying I'm a famous songwriter? No, I'm not saying that, right?

Matt: Right, right. Mm-hmm. Sure.

Candy: Like so, I, being gentle with yourself and kind with yourself and, and thinking it's okay to say that you're a musician if you play an instrument. It's okay to say you're a singer if you sing. It's okay to say you're a songwriter if you write songs, um, you're not claiming anything else by saying those things.

Matt: It sounds like there was an intermedi - intermediate period where we were, like, recording -

Candy: Mmhmm.

Matt: - and you're building some confidence there ‘cause we would complete whole songs and you're real proud of them. And then, you know, when you went through that devastating time where you lost your parents and you're trying to like, resurrect yourself and, and give yourself new purpose and you realize you sound good -

Candy: *laughs*

Matt: - um, which helps you, you like your voice, you know, you, you -

Candy: I I started to like my voice, yeah.

Matt: Mmhmm and you just saw, and that's, that's really inspiring to me ‘cause that's kind of what I'm going through right now. You're like, okay, I've got this, I've got these raw materials, you know, I could work on that. You set a goal to, you know, find yourself as an artist again. In the last couple of years, did you take lessons with Mitch?

Candy: Yeah, I started doing vocal lessons again, which I, I had started when I was eleven, so it was a very long time ago and my, my sister had been going for, a bit. I, I don't remember how long. And then I believe, you know, my parents were like, do you want to do vocal lessons? And I was like, yeah. So, I started going, I can't remember how long I went, you know, everything's a blur at this point.

Just more recently, well, a couple years ago I reached out to the vocal coach that we had Mitch and, um, actually, he just, he just did a Pages Of A Story episode. I was like, hey -

Matt: Uh huh.

Candy: Can I come back? And thankfully he said yes. And it was really cool to catch up because it's been so many years. And, but yeah, I, I started doing the vocal lessons because I felt after going through CCI and deciding, hey, I deserve to be able to discover my voice and have it heard. That it's not, it's a good thing, it's a good thing. And, you know, there was a lot of fear there and everything. So, I felt like going into the vocal lessons again and just taking care of my voice, you know, doing it the proper way.

Matt: Yeah. It's like, yeah, you doing maintenance on your voice is -

Candy: Yeah. Which is so important, especially when you're singing all the time -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - and when you wanna make a recording that, you know. But I also started taking guitar lessons. I, I took them for a very short amount of time. Um, I'm not good with music theory. I know everyone's gonna say ughhh, and it's something that -

Matt: No, that's okay. That's that, that I wouldn't worry about that either because you think it's so many musicians who are accomplished musicians who don't know diddly about -

Candy: Right.

Matt: - about music theory. It's a very, it's, it's more an internal understanding of these, of melody chords and harmony and the way these things work. And so, yeah, there's, that should make you feel like an imposter. The whole lack of music theory knowledge.

Candy: But it does, right? It, I think it does for a lot of people. I've talked to different musicians who are like, I don't really know a lot of that, but you know, and so they feel less of a musician because of it. And it's sad because, I mean, I don't know this for sure, but I would assume some of the greatest, I'm making this up. Some of the greatest musicians in the world don't know music theory.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Don't quote me on that. It's probably a lie. I gotta say, I mean, Mitch is awesome. He is very kind. He is, um, very straightforward and he doesn't make you feel like you know nothing.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Which is super awesome because it's uncomfortable sitting in front of someone and doing goofy things with your voice.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: It's uncomfortable, but he makes you feel comfortable. So, when I came in, there was never a word of, oh, you suck. Like, you know what I mean? It was -

Matt: Or how come you don't, how come don't know that? How come you don't know to sing a third or fifth note?

Candy: Yeah. Not at all. Not at all. He, he was very much just, um, like he said in his episode where, you know, someone does something with their voice during an exercise that doesn't go exactly the way that we want it to. And it's not because of the sound. It's a, it's just, um, there's so much to it that he's listening for. And it's not that it sounds good, that it sounds pretty, right? But he'll just say, oh, well that didn't work. Hold on, let's try this, you know?

Matt: Right.

Candy: Or let's try that again, or, or whatever it is. But when doing vocal lessons, it's very much technical stuff. It's, I don't sit there and sing for him. He, he hasn't heard me sing, like I don't sing. I do the vocal, uh -

Matt: I see. Yeah.

Candy: - stuff and he just directs me with it and so it's a really cool thing. My work with him is more about taking care of my voice and understanding how to use it properly.

Matt: So, okay, so it was around this time after, after your lessons with Mitch that we started to, uh, speak a little bit more regularly and I remember when you reached out to me with these songs, you're like, hey, let's, let's start recording together. And there's always a little bit of hesitance ‘cause it's like, cause I haven't heard you in a while and I'm not even sure what kind of music you're talking about and also, and what if I don't like it?

Candy: Right.

Matt: I remember thinking that that's all, these are all natural things, you know?

Candy: Sure.

Matt: ‘Cause I, I, I really wanted to like it, you know, and I remember being so relieved when you sent me the first two songs, I'm like, wow, she's really found her voice. These are really interesting songs. And I was just, I was psyched about producing them, you know, and, and listening to them. And I not like producing, like, try this note, or, or sing this another way but just like being involved in the whole mixing experience and just being enveloped in those songs, you know?

Uh, you could tell that you'd taken lessons and you were a little bit more on point. Your voice was more dialed in, but I was particularly impressed with your lyrics. Your lyrics were engaging. They seem, they were very professionally written, not in terms of gr - like grammar or anything like that, but it, you really knew how to open a song, like, with a, with an image and give the listener an image feel. Just give them, put them in that place of whatever, whatever you're talking about. It's a very visual kind of thing. I just be, remember being very impressed with that. Do you feel like your lyrical ability has, you've had like a quantum leap in, in writing lyrics?

Candy: I think that when you and I wrote songs together many, many, many years ago, I was probably twenty-one-ish, twenty-two, twenty-three, I can't remember what we said, um, but I was very afraid to, to really put myself out there musically or lyrically. Um, I'd gone through a lot in my life and at that point in time I was, I was really hurting. I was really, um, not in a good space. And so my writing, I cope, I cope a lot of the time with humour and my writing back then was filled with humour.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And there were times where, there's a couple songs that come up in my head that I'm like, that was a great beat though. That was a great melody. That was a great, you know.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: But it was all filled with humour and it was because I was hurting. It was because I didn't know how to express myself in a different way, and I didn't know how to express myself in pain and show it to the world. My poetry continued to be, uh, very painful and very sad. My dad would always kind of joke about it. It's not something really to joke about, but he would, you know, like, oh, those are so depressing. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, they are.

Like, through the years I've been, I've been singing, like I said, every day. Um, did the vocal training help? Absolutely. A hundred percent. Um, but I've continued to, to hone that. I've continued to sing and to create and create songs and stuff like that, that I just didn't put out into the world.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Right? But I was creating during all those years, but I got to this point where my writing changed because I was, I was changing. And when I decided I'm gonna share my voice and I'm going to allow myself to actually do that, and it wasn't ever this focus of I wanna get famous and I wanna, you know, sell a million records and stuff like that. It was always, this is therapy.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: This is therapy for me. So when I, I decided, I went and got a, a new guitar ‘cause the guitar I had, the acoustic guitar I had was very big and I could not hold it. I couldn't, it was uncomfortable. So, I went to a guitar store and I found a guitar that looked a lot like my dad's. Um, which I have tattooed on my arm, but it looked a lot like my dad's. And I picked it up and it was a smaller guitar. Like it's, it's smaller and it's so much more comfortable. And that's when I started writing. That's when I was like, I can hold this guitar. I feel very comfortable with it. I love it.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: I loved the sound of it. And that's when I started writing. And so the very first song I wrote was called I Don't Wanna Miss You Anymore. That was a really hard one to write. One reason was because here I am, you know, actually trying this thing -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And it's kind of new, but it's not new. It's like parts and pieces of my, my old self. But it was about the pain and the, and the grief of, of not having my parents here anymore. And it's a very interesting feeling to come from such a musical family and then venture into it on your own.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Without that support. Without that backing.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: You know what I mean? Without being able to talk to them and say, I wrote this song, you know?

Matt: Yes.

Candy: Um, it's a very different space. So yeah. I wrote I Don't Wanna Miss You Anymore and that kick started, um, what was it? A million songs that I wrote since?

Matt: Uh, yeah. It was, it was definitely, it was like, yeah. I remember being, that impressing me, too, that you were doing all this on your own. You're playing guitar and you're doing a wonderful job playing guitar, and you had a style, you were like establishing your style. It was like whatever style I was worried that you were experimenting with, that might have been an offshoot of the stuff that we were doing. I was really glad to hear it was more of like, uh, more of a folk style that totally fit, you know, your personality and it totally made sense, uh, because the instrumentation was just vocal and guitar. So I, I remember being very impressed by you finding your signature style very soon.

Candy: Right.

Matt: Without the support.

Candy: It was just a very natural thing for me. That is where I, I just picked up my guitar and I started writing. That was it.

Matt: Mmhmm.

Candy: I, I didn't know very much about guitar. I was like, I grew up with it all the time and heard it all the time. But I started playing actually a couple years before my dad died. It's like five years ago I started playing -

Matt: Mmhmm.

Candy: - but it was very like here and there and whatever.

Matt: Was he giving you lessons or were you playing guitar at the same time?

Candy: No, unfortunately, my, you know, I had bugged him when I was a teenager. He had bought me a Fender electric guitar, and it was red and white. It was like, you know, the cheap ones, but it was lovely and I loved it. And I, you know, he was so busy and I was always asking him, can you show me something? He, he taught me one song on the guitar, and then in later years he was just so worn down and tired that he, he no longer played. I, I tried to encourage him and I'd get the guitar and I'd start playing. I'd be like, hey, show me this and do this.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And sometimes he would, um, he'd play for a little bit, but I, I think when mom died, he just lost, he lost that joy.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: But I got this new guitar and I started playing and, and I just allowed it to be what it was gonna be. And like I said, it was such therapy that it just flows, it flows. When I write a song, it just flows. And it's very hard for me not to finish a song. Uh, I have to, I have to do it right away ‘cause I get so excited and so pumped about it and it energizes me, right? And it's with that context of this makes me feel good. Even if it's a painful thing to write, it's like I'm getting it out of my body.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: And I need it out of my body. And so every time I play it, every time I sing it, every time I hear it, it affects me. And all I really hope is that it resonates with somebody, that somebody hears it and goes, I feel heard. I Don't Wanna Miss You Anymore was all about me missing them, all about me being heartbroken, all about me trying to figure out who, who I was gonna be from here on out, because I finally decided that I was gonna make that decision.

**I Don’t Want To Miss You Anymore plays**

Matt: So, for critics of this podcast, before you go, why would you start with the more recent song, but not the, the quirkier songs that we used to write? We, we definitely wanna play a song from that era that describes what you're talking about, where you, your, your lyric writing was more on the comical side?

Candy: Moron, yes.

Matt: So what, what songs stands out to you -

Candy: You know -

Matt - that was a collaboration between us?

Candy: Well, what's really interesting though, is that there were certain songs that we had, like Peril Strawberry, where it was a serious song. Peril Strawberry is about, like, sexual abuse.

Matt: Oh, wow.

Candy: It, yeah, like it was, it was, it was a, it was a heavy song, but we added funny stuff in it because that's just what we did. Like -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - we would always add funny stuff into it. I mean, obviously, I don't know if you knew that that's what the song was about.

Matt: I didn’t know.

Candy: Right, but it was my own personal experience that I had gone through. And um, so I wrote that, about that, uh, you know, as an adult I had gone through that and we would add these funny things. Then and just like there was, oh man, there were so many. Orange Is Back. I loved the feeling of that song.

**Orange Is Back plays**

Candy: There was the song Greatest Breakdance Robot Show and I think that that was the one that I went the furthest -

Matt: Yes.

Candy: - with my humour when it comes to -

Matt: Full tilt.

Candy: But also robots are cool and -

Matt: Right.

Candy: Um, that's something that I think we all need to be aware of.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Um, but yeah, I wanna, I wanna play that song because I think, I don't know, it gets stuck in my head. This is, like, from -

Matt: 2000 -

Candy: - fifteen years ago, something like that. So, this is where we came from.

**Greatest Breakdance Robot Show plays**

Matt: You’ve blown me away in the past year, past two years with your new body of songs, but also you'd come to me with like, hey, I wanna do an ad, a jingle, or something like that. Or I want to write music for my friend’s, uh, was it her day spa?

Candy: Yeah. Christine, um, does treatments locally. Um, they're called AMP Sessions and it's a lot about, it's called, um, Amplified Mindfulness Practice. So, it's a very much, like, movement and meditation and -

Matt: Yes.

Candy: - just being free and yes -

Matt: And you can see why you tell me about something like this didn't excite me too much ‘cause I thought, well what’s that gonna sound like? Um, and then, and then you're, and then you're like, dude, have you heard this song yet? You know, it's like, I've, it’s been in your inbox for a week. It's like, no, sorry. And then, and then I would open it, you know, this was like a pattern with us. And then I was like, okay, I'll get around to, I need to listen to it on proper speakers, you know. So, I'll put up my headphones on or play it through my monitors. And, uh, I remember just being blown away. I was like, I did not expect that to be as moving as it was, you know? And, and one of them was like six minutes long and basically the same kind of like an ab kind of lyrical structure.

Candy: Right.

Matt: And I remember when I helped you mix those, I remember just how engaged and fascinated I was by whatever you're doing with these lyrics, that Christine, Christine wrote the lyrics, right? And you tweaked them a little bit -

Candy: Yeah. Um -

Matt: - to, to, to get them singable basically?

Candy: Yes. Yes. Because that's, that's one thing, right? As you know, like when you have certain words and phrasing, like it has to make sense. It has to move.

Matt: There's a cadence to it.

Candy: Yes. Yes. So, she had given me these lyrics and said, hey, like, would you ever consider writing music to this and singing it? And I was like, yeah, totally. And, but then time went and passed, ‘cause I don't know, I can't even remember. It was a while ago she sent them to me. I remembered it and I was like, hey, I'm doing music a - again, maybe I'll reach out and talk to her about it. So, I did and I said, are you cool with me fiddling around with this and seeing what we come up with? And she's like, absolutely.

So, I think it was that day, like I said, when it flows, it flows and you just can't stop it. Everything else goes by the wayside. I started writing a melody to it and, and putting it together. And, and I believe that in Expanding, which was the first song, um, I think I just, I think I did very minor fiddling with the phrasing. It was very mantra-sh, um, kind of stuff. And I mean, she does meditation and she does like guided meditation, so she speaks it. And so she's used to writing lyrics like that, like very mantra, very, you know.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And, uh, so I created a song with it, and I decided with this song I was gonna add other instruments that I've never done before. I've never added.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: And so it really opened this really cool space for me where now I'm using drums. Now I'm using, you know, my, my steel tongue drum. Now I'm using, what other things am I using? I'm using -

Matt: You use the hand drum, the steel tongue drum -

Candy: Yeah.

Matt: Uh, guitar and vocal. That was enough. And I remember when I, you, you sent me a demo version of that. I remember the first time I played it, I was, like, I was doing other stuff and I was, like, I didn't expect to be that impressed with it, just because the style -

Candy: Thanks so much!

Matt: You know what I mean? No, I'm sorry. I mean, it's just like.

Candy: I like that you're honest though.

Matt: I, I'm really emphasizing that too much maybe too, but I mean, I just wanted to, to show that it was, like, I was very kind of nonchalant doing other things and then I was like, my ears perked up. Um, because it had such a, it was, even though it was a badly recorded demo, it sounded so charming.

Candy: Thank you.

Matt: I mean, I never heard someone put a tongue drum in a song before and you just put a couple notes in there that just, that was the hook. Playing the hand drum, the hand drum rhythm was perfect and the melody was perfect. And, and you can hear Brucie in the background, that kind of impact, it’s charming.

Candy: Oh yeah. Those are my, those are my recordings though. When I, when I do a rough recording to you.

Matt: Yes.

Candy: Which you have received many. I'm in my dining room with my kid and that's how -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - that's how it is. And then when I record, I, I go into -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - a better space and, and Brucie and Derek are elsewhere doing something fun. I love that I can send you something like that and have you understand what I'm trying to do with it, because a very rough version of a song is very different than the the final produced version of it, but -

Matt: Which we're going to play right now.

**Expanding plays**

Candy: The purpose of that song and of another song that I ended up writing with Christine was, um, for her AMP sessions. For it to be played while her, her clients are doing this beautiful body movement and all of that. So, it's been, it's been such an honour to have her say, hey, by the way, it's, you know, I’m playing it and, and people are hearing it and I've had people write to me and say, oh my goodness, I heard your song during, you know, Christine's, um, session. And it was just lovely. And, and so it's really, really great feedback.

Matt: That's cool. Yes. And I knew as soon as I heard the demo version of that, of Expanding the song, we, we just heard, I, I knew that people, I knew if I was reacting that way, other people were gonna go, wow, this is, this is really getting me in the mood to do what we're

here for.

Candy: From, from that moment of having Christine and I do that work together, um, I've since had people ask me to do other things for them. Like, I created a jingle for a friend who was in a political campaign and, and I've had other people ask me to, you know, to write songs for certain things. And so it's been really cool because it's opened this really neat door of experimenting, doing things differently.

Matt: Sure.

Candy: You know, the music that I write for myself has drastically changed from, I Don't Wanna Miss You Anymore. It was very, like, sad and, and and heavy and I love that. Like, that is a necessary thing -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - for me. Um, but I've actually moved into other things like doing that spiritual music and, and doing jingles and doing uh, happier music.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: You know, so it's been a cool transition.

Matt: So, and so there was a group of songs that you sent me. There was, one of 'em was, um, called Blue. And I, it's not that I was, it wasn't expecting much, but I was like multitasking at the time and I just clicked it cause I was, like, it'd been in my inbox for a week.

Candy: You keep not expecting much from me. I gotta, I gotta say -

Matt: I know. And that get, and you gotta know that about me. It's, I'm very particular about music and I also, I mean ‘cause it's like even the best songwriters that I've known have sent me some real, you know, some things that I couldn't -

Candy: Sure.

Matt: - vibe, vibe with.

Candy: Yeah.

Matt: So, I just didn't want it to be that thing. After I hit play and I'm impressed, I'm always like, you idiot. I mean, you know. Of course, of course it was gonna be a quality song, catchy quality song.

Candy: Right.

Matt: But there was something very fetching about the song that you wrote for Brucie called Blue, which wasn't exactly the, it didn't completely match your style, your folk style before. It was definitely, it was, it was obviously a children's song geared towards children. So, I got two questions. When you started to write Blue, was it intentional that you were going to write a children's song and that this is something that you wanted to do, but it just turned out to be that way, where you, you just found out that you're gifted at writing children's songs, basically?

Candy: I started writing it with Brucie actually, and his favourite colour is blue, and so I was like, let's write a song together. So, he came over and we were kind of goofing around on the guitar and um, I just started singing it ‘cause that's how, that's how it happens. I just started singing it and um, and he was really liking it and we were just kind of, you know, in a, in a very, um, mom and son kind of way we were collabing on this song, you know? Uh, he was just approving of things mostly. Yeah. It just, it just happened and then I sent it to you.

Matt: That's cool and it's very, like I said, very catchy and a fetching song, and I really hope that you continue, that you eventually put out a group of, of these songs.

**Blue plays**

Matt: You've had experience with depression, obviously throughout your life. Concentrated after your, your parents died. Is there a particular song about that topic that you'd like to talk about?

Candy: There is. I mean, there's probably a few, but the one that really comes to mind is called Okay. And the, I was sitting on my deck, it was summertime. It was really beautiful out, and I just was going through these moments of, you know, sometimes we can't choose to be okay. Sometimes we can't, like, it's just not there. It's, we don't have the ability in that moment and we need to survive in that moment, or we need to feel our feelings and get through it.

But this song is more so about having the choice, being in a space of I can make the choice to be okay today in this moment. And you know, maybe tomorrow it's gonna be different, but today I choose to be okay.

**Okay plays**

Matt: Are there certain songs, I'm wondering if, if some certain songs, like Okay, and other songs, are there any that stand out that you want to, you think about Brucie in handing them to him and them teaching him something or getting something out of them. Is Okay one of those songs? Or is it, is it Blue or -

Candy: I think there's a few of them that would definitely, and I mean, Bruce sings my songs, which is the biggest compliment ever -

Matt: Yeah. He's the most important audience.

Candy: He is and, and that's the thing I, you know, I, I would sing what my dad would write. Like, I would, I would listen to it and I'd be so excited for him. And I, I cared about his music and um, and he knew that, and he saw that, and I think he really appreciated it because we don't always feel that way. Um, we don't always get the support that we're looking for. Um, but my kid is my biggest fan and that means everything to me.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: Okay is definitely a song that I think is important for him to, to hear because, you know, the lyrics say, life hasn't been easy, but I'm still willing to try and today I choose to be okay.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And I think there will be absolute moments in his life where hopefully, and thankfully he'll be able to choose to be okay.

Matt: 57 was interesting though, ‘cause it had an interesting title. You know, it was just a number, right? And I like the way that you did that. I like the way that you incorporated that in, into the lyrics. I like that. To me it would, it had an ambiguous meaning, which was fine with me and it had a, a certain, a vibe to it. There was times when I got on my skateboard ride in the morning and all my, 57 was just, this happens with a lot of your songs. 50, I remember 57 was just like, fuck, will you get outta my head? I'm you, you've constantly, it's on a loop in my head. I cannot get it out of my head. and I, I try to figure out some goofy song to change it, to change the playlist and then it would never work 57 -

Candy: Like Greatest Breakdance Robot Show?

Matt: Yeah. So that's again. Yeah, totally. So, you have to be flattered by that compliment. The fact that your, your song was stuck in my head.

Candy: Absolutely.

Matt: So, but let's, so now I wanna, I don't know the true meaning of it. I will admit to it, and you've laughed at me about that and you said that you're gonna reveal it on this podcast. So, I wanna know to set up 57 and to show everybody what I, what I've been talking about. Let's talk about that song and, and, and what it was about and then we'll play it for everybody.

Candy: Yeah, um, 57, a lot of my songwriting happens in the shower. Um, I don't know why, but that is how it goes. And I was in the shower and I just started singing named you 57 and I didn't know where it was going. I didn't know what it was meant to mean or anything like that and as I wrote more of it that day, ‘cause like I said, I, I usually write a song within that timeframe, within that day. It's not, you know, something I really have to go back to, um, it became a song about being a little girl and all the amazing animals I had. I had many cats that brought me so much comfort. My household was very tumultuous. It was, it was not always the safest space.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: And so, you know, if I was crying, if I was hurting, these animals would rally for me.

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: They would comfort me and help me understand that it was go, it was gonna be okay. It, it might be scary, it might be uncomfortable, but we were gonna make it through it together. And so 57 -

Matt: Yes. And they were, they were also, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but they were experiencing a lot of that trauma, too. So, it was very mutual -

Candy: Absolutely. Yeah. So, 57 became a song about these animals that I, that mattered so much to me, that got me through so much in my life and continue to get me through so much in my life. And later I realized that I named it 57, the song. Um, my mom didn't make it to 57, she died when she was 56. And so it, it turned into a another meaning for me that was connected to the original song that, you know, this, this beauty of this person continuing on when you know they deserve to and they should have and all of that stuff. Som anyway, 57 I, I, I love this song. It's something that really, yeah.

Matt: Let's hear it.

**57 plays**

Pages Of A Story

PART ONE, singer, songwriter, original music, musician, music, joy - Page Thirty-Six - Candy's Story

Listen to this podcast on