PART TWO, music, singer, songwriter, original music - Page Thirty-Seven - Candy's Story

This is PART TWO of Candy's story!

This week's Guest is Candy Dinsmore-Bekaan, the host of Pages Of A Story! Hosted by Matthew DeMeritt!
Join us as Candy talks to us about her music, her journey with songwriting and the joy she lives by creating.
This episode includes mixture of played live music, professional recordings and music of the past. This is PartTwo of the 2 part episode! 
You can find Part One here: 
Watch: https://youtu.be/bKo472RHw8c
Listen: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1959737/12355269

**Trigger warning: Talk of sexual abuse, death, grief.**

You can find Candy's episode here: 
Watch: https://youtu.be/eq2UwWFHSF0
Listen: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1959737/12368152
https://www.pagesofastory.com

You can follow Candy here:
https://www.linktr.ee/musicbycandy
https://www.linktr.ee/pagesofastory
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Please subscribe and follow Pages Of A Story here:
https://linktr.ee/pagesofastory

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Hosted by Candy Dinsmore-Bekaan
Theme music by Matthew DeMeritt

Pages Of A Story episodes feature individuals' perspectives and opinions and should not be taken as advice on how to live your lives. Please enjoy and be safe.

If you are struggling please reach out to a healthcare professional or the suicide prevention hotline:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 833-456-4566

Transcript

Matt:  I know you've written several songs about your parents and about your mom and your dad individually, but what was one bit about the topic of your mom that really stands out?

Candy: Up On The Hill was one that I wrote about my mom, and a lot of it was, when my mom died, it was, it was obviously very devastating, but she, she died in my arms. That obviously stays with you. It sticks with you. It is something that changes you forever and until you've experienced that, you, you can't imagine how it feels. 

After she died, I had so many dreams about her and they, they felt very prophetic. They felt very real, and in most of them it was her reassuring me and saying, I'm okay, Candy. Like, I'm fine. It's okay. Even though it didn't feel okay. I dreamt a lot of her. I actually kept a journal filled with all the dreams that I had of her. There was at least sixty -

Matt: Wow.

Candy: - before they started to stop. This was about my, my mom and grieving her death and, and grieving leading up to her death in the, in the moments where I felt so outta control and there was nothing I could do. Her body was shutting down and I could only just hold space for her. I couldn't fix anything. I couldn't control anything. I couldn't do anything. In this I say, I wish I didn't have to remember you inside my mind. Oh, I've been blind. I wish that I could look you in the eye and tell you I'm sorry. It wasn't up to me. And a lot of that was just that -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - it wasn't up to me because if it was, it would've been different.

**Up On The Hill plays**

Matt: So, okay, we've talked, uh, about different phases in your writing and maybe transitions in your writing. Was, is there a transition that, that stands out and there's a, is there a song that is an emblem of that?

Candy: Sprout is one of them that comes to mind. There's, there's a few where all of a sudden, like I went from very, um, therapeutic like heavy, sad songs like obviously Up On The Hill and, you know, um, very heavy songs into something a little different. It was more of a celebration. Um, sprout was about, you're here, let's celebrate, your ability to plant your own seeds and to choose your own path regardless of what other people think. And it was more so about, like, what choices will you make? Who will you invite into this circle? Who will you invite into this sacred space that is your life? And being able to, to remember that, that we have a choice. 

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: We have a choice of who we, who we welcome in.

**Sprout plays**

Matt: There's one song from that first group of songs that you sent me after we reconnected called Love of Your Life and I, I don't wanna try and describe it, I'd be terrible at describing it, but I remember it having an impact on me because it was like, whoa, the person who wrote this either completely nailed that feeling or, or actually experienced it herself for, I want you to tell us about love of your life, what it means, and did you experience that with a boyfriend or was it just something, em, some empath, empathic experience that you just felt like you could describe?

Candy: It's mostly about young love. Yeah. It's about, you know, how, um -

Matt: Because that's the most insecure type of love, right? It's a very insecure type song in a way. 

Candy: Yes, it is. It is. And I mean, um, in some of the lyrics is, but young love ends so easily and young hearts are to blame and I think that -

Matt: Yeah. 

Candy: - a lot of people can resonate with that because as a teen, as a, a young adult or whatever it is, um, heartbreak is a real thing. It's a real thing and there's so many broken promises and, and heartbreak and, and it's, um, it's a hard place to be.

Matt: Yeah, totally.

Candy: It's a hard place to be. And so, as these young people get together and, and, and fall in love or whatever it is, they don’t always realize in that moment that this, it probably isn't gonna last and then it doesn't and it's, it's hard and it's painful. So this, this is a real song. This is something that, you know, I definitely experienced, but there are bits and pieces, there's aspects that are more, um, I don't wanna say made up, but, but maybe just looked at in a different light.

**Love of Your Life plays**

Matt: You have a lot of songs that are animal themed. We talked about 57, some are named after animals. 

Candy: Yeah. 

Matt: What, what's one that kind of like is very animal centric that stands out to you? 

Candy: So, one song that I wrote that was, um, I just love it. I love this song. It's called Bear. And you know, I've written Snail, I've written Cardinal, I've written Owl. Um, I also wrote Grass & Snails, which we'll talk about too, but Bear is an animal that I've always been terrified of, terrified or rationally terrified of. Like, I live in a place where there are not bears walking around, uh, usually and I will actively look for bears not in my house. Like, if someone yelled bear, I'd be like, like, I would believe it. I would believe there's a bear. 

And in later years in spiritual, spirituality and, and I did some shamanism work with a wonderful practitioner and things like that, I started to realize, like, bear represents family. And family was always something that I had a lot of fears of, and, and you know, I, like I said, I wasn't always safe and because of that bear became this figure to me, that scared me, that I, I wanted to stay away from. 

So, this song is about celebration of bear because through the years I've been able to connect with bear in the way that bear deserves, you know, bear as a symbol, bear as an animal, um, is such a beautiful, beautiful symbol. But this is about bear welcoming me into its fold, into its life and into its heart, allowing me to embrace it, embrace it all, embrace the pain, embrace the, the fears and the, the hard traumas that I've gone through, and just be protected, finally. Be safe.

**Bear plays**

Candy: Like I had mentioned, I have other songs that are animal oriented and Grass & Snails was one where, you know, the other ones are a lot more celebratory. Grass & Snails, It's about me as a child, but one thing that I had thought for a long time was that this broken hurting inner child was my inner child, but it, it really wasn't, you know.

I, I do this, um, this work with my trauma therapist, and it's called Internally, Internal Family Systems. And I, I swear by it. I love it. It is amazing. With that work, I, I started to realize that this little girl who I named Sweetheart, she's not my inner child, she is a part of me, she is a piece of me that has gone through pain and trauma and just as it's important for me to hold her and love her and, and make her safe, realizing that she wasn't my inner me, she wasn't, you know, the myself, she wasn't my true self because the, it's hard when you think that your inner child is broken and, uh, hurting and in pain. But she wasn't that, she was an exile, she was part of me. She was a piece of me.

Writing Grass & Snails, I, I always, um, pictured myself, as you know, I connected with snails so much. It, I have one tattooed on my arm because it represents myself and, and being a child and I used to play with snails out in the yard, and my mom told a cute little story that one morning she woke up and I have a snail right in her face. I loved snails. I still do. There are snails behind me.

Matt: Yeah. Yeah.

Candy: Yeah. Um, but this, this song is, it's a hard song but it was so necessary for me to write it was about, um, sexual abuse and childhood. It was about feeling broken and needing and wanting peace, and seeking that peace and, and realizing that I deserved that peace, that it was never my fault. So, Grass & Snails is one that will, it'll stick with me forever.

**Grass & Snails plays**

Matt: I know, uh, Derek's somewhat of a musician, and so I always wondered what it would be like to, to be married to a partner who's also a musical. Have you guys collaborated on any songs? 

Candy: We have, actually, it took me a little while to get him, to, uh -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - to do something with me because he doesn't have a whole bunch of confidence in, in being a musician, even though he plays guitar and he can play it, you know what I mean?

Like, and he's never written a song or anything like that, so, one reason why I think he was, uh, a little nervous about writing with me is because all of my songs were very sad and he, if he wrote a song, wanted to write something happy.

I started writing this song and I'm sitting in the dining room and I'm writing stuff down and I got my guitar out and so he's, you know, he's listening, he's skulking around. I started singing the one part, um, I can't really remember what it is now. It might have been, I think I started singing what if I didn’t grow old with you? And he was like, and I mean, that's sad. What if I didn't grow old with you? 

Matt: Right.

Candy: Like, that's, that's a sad lyric. But he started saying lyrics. He started actually contributing and I'm, like, well now you're writing a song with me. So -

Matt: Oh, right. Yeah. 

Candy: So, we wrote this song together and it was, you know, it's a hard song. It's, you know, I watched my mom slowly deteriorate. I, I watch my dad do the same and, and it's so hard I, I'm sure to watch your partner in that position and, and, um, and so this, uh, this song kind of stemmed from that, but it very quickly came into this space of, you know, it's about losing someone. It's about seeing someone decline and, um, a life that you once lived together, you're living it apart. And a lot of it in our heads was very much, you know, um, like, someone who, who is deteriorating, who's maybe losing their mental capabilities and things like that. You just feel lost. You don't know what to do. Yeah, it was, it was really fun to write it with them as, as deep and dark as the message is, but I think a lot of people can resonate with with it, unfortunately.

**Grow Old With You plays**

Matt: Where are you at creatively now? What, what lyrical themes are you interested in? How are they different from before? 

Candy: I feel like there's a lot more uplifted stuff that I've been writing. I mean, by no means am I not writing things that are sad and, and hard, um, but So Close was actually when, uh, once again wrote it in my shower but it was, uh, it was one that was, like, you know, we're always growing and if we, if we allow it anyway, and the feeling of being so much closer to understanding what truly brings you joy, which is so important to me. It's so important to, to follow that path of, of joy, you know, whatever that may mean. Not listening to other people's opinions, not, not, not caring or trying to not care about how people think that you should live your life. 

If you're not hurting anybody, if you're having fun, if you're enjoying your life, what is, you know, the real problem because what's right for you might not be right for somebody else and vice versa. So, hopefully, we're all trying our best to, to seek that peace that we all deserve. So, this song is very uplifting. It's about being so close and feeling it coming and knowing that, you know, the universe is, is, is along for the ride and we're doing it all together and yeah.

**So Close plays**

Candy: So, another song I ended up writing more recently was called Would We Try and, um, a lot of it is about being stuck. The fact that in this world we're not kind to each other. Just wanting change and, and wanting to be seen and how we focus on things that don't matter in the end, right? Like, the things that really matter is, is how we treat each other, you know, and, and holding space for the fact that we live different lives. Like, it's okay, we're allowed to live different lives. Like, everyone's always trying to fight for someone else's, you know, like, you should be doing this, you should be taking these supplements, or you should be living your life this way.

And it's like, why don't you just deal with your own? Deal with your own? None of us are perfect. None of us are completely healed. None of us are, you know, “completely healed”. Why don't we hold space for each other? This all ends at some point and so not spending that time fighting for other people and just letting them live their lives is kind of the gist of that.

**Would We Try plays**

Matt: So, have you ever written a song about a celestial object?

Candy: *Laughs* I did, uh, I wrote, I wrote a, a song called The Moon. And I mean, I love the moon. I mean, who doesn't, who can honestly say I don't like the moon? 

Matt: I know, right?

Candy: I just don't like it. I don't like its face, you know? Um, the moon is such an, uh, an important part of my life. Is that a weird thing to say? Um, It is also tattooed on my body. Um, but I love, I love the moon and I, I go outside with Derek. He's got a really awesome, well, we have a really awesome telescope and we look at the moon, we look at Saturn. We can see Jupiter. We can see Jupiter's moons, like, it's so cool.

**The Moon plays**

Matt: How I start out writing a song really differs, you know, I could start out jamming on my drums or playing some block chords on, on my keyboard. But how do you start a song? 

Candy: It changes sometimes, like a lot of the time, like if I'm in the shower, I'm gonna come up with a line -

Matt: There's way too many shower references in this interview.

Candy: I'm sorry. This is how I process. This is how I write. So, a line will come up in my head and it will just keep bugging me until I start expanding on it. And so a lot of the time it's just that - it's a melody and it's a, a line, a lyric. Then I'll go and I'll get my guitar out and I'll match it. I'll figure out, you know, what sounds good. Um, which is really fun and interesting when writing music to be able to do that, to be able to, you know, have an instrument to guide you along of, you know. But sometimes I pick up the guitar and I come up with a few chords that sound really cool together, and then I will come up with a lyric line a lot of the time, like if Derek and I are messing around, he'll be playing and I start singing to what he's doing and we go from there.

Matt: Oh really? 

Candy: So, yeah, it just, I guess it just depends on what comes out first. 

Matt: So, who are your main influences?

Candy: Tori Amos is, is my absolute favourite. She, um, I started listening to her, I, I believe my sister had this album and I just became obsessed with it. I loved everything about her. The way she sang the way she -  

Matt: Was that before Little Earthquakes or after? Or was it one earlier?

Candy: You know what? Timelines are not good for me. Um, I loved all her albums though. Uh, really big fan, but also, you know, The Cranberries. I listened to them a lot. Gowan. Gowan was a huge influence for me. Nine Inch Nails, you know, and I, I listened to a lot of the stuff my parents loved too, like The Beatles and Elvis. 

Matt: Yes. Yeah, I recognize that influence in, in your -

Candy: Mmhmm.

Matt: - in your style, too. 

Candy: And I mean, nowadays, like Gordon Lightfoot, like I love Gordon Lightfoot. I really do. Derek and I listen to him all the time, you know, um, Neil Young and Daughter, and, um, oh man. The, the list could go on and on. I love people from all different kinds of genres and music. So, I could probably pick one from, from each genre that I'm like, oh, like City and Color and, um, oh man, I'm gonna forget all of them, but just, just fantastic, fantastic people that, um, inspired me to, yeah.

Matt: Alright. We finally settled on a name for our duo and we got, like, lots of different ideas about how, what style that's gonna be.

Candy: Our new duo because we had an old duo back in the past with Greatest Breakdance Robot Show.

Matt: Right, yeah, totally.

Candy: That was called Puddles & Mateo. Then it took, what was it, sixteen years for us to figure out a name for this one?

Matt: Vengeance With Verve, and we got round and round about what that style is gonna be. I have some ideas about what it's going to be. I know we've, uh, argued about what direction it's gonna go into.

Candy: Was it arguing or -

Matt: What? No -

Candy: - bantering!

Matt: We argue all the time.

Candy: We bantered. We never argue!

Matt: Yeah. Yeah.

Candy: We banter. 

Matt: Mm-hmm. Okay. We bantered about what direction it's gonna go in. 

Candy: Yeah. 

Matt: But it's been a while since we have. So, what, what style or what topics or what themes or what genres do you think this new branded version of our duo is going to be?

Candy: I like the thought and the idea that, you know, I have moved away, we have moved away from the always humorous kind of music. I appreciate it. Like, Weird Al is one of my favourites, honestly. First concert I ever went to.

Matt: Oh, you serious? I had no idea. 

Candy: Yeah. He started it, like, it was just downhill from there, you know? 

Matt: Yeah, right.

Candy: Coming out of that and being more serious and, and, and appreciating that seriousness, like, I'm joking all the time. I'm always having a good time. Um, but in my music it's really nice to be more serious with it. But you and I have certain styles that we both bring to the table, and I think it's neat to think about allowing us both to have our voices in this -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - and seeing what comes of it. Instead of being like, let's do this one thing, let's do this one genre and try to make it work. Like fitting us into the holes that, you know what I mean? 

Matt: Yeah, yeah.

Candy: Yeah and so we're gonna be working on that, and then we will be releasing that. So, this is a, a new project for us, which is gonna be really exciting because the, the music that I do and I send to you, you produce, but I've written it and I have created it, and then you make it, you know, as it should be. And, um, this is, this is us really truly combining our, our musical talents together -

Matt: Yeah.

Candy: - having this duo. So, I'm really excited for it and yeah, I’m -

Matt: Yeah, because it's like ten or fifteen years removed from our last, um, mutual collaboration. 

Candy: Right.

Matt: So, it'd be interesting to see where, what it sounds like.

Candy: And with how we both have changed and, you know, with experience and with, um, our styles and stuff, we've both moved into a different, you know, space. 

Matt: Mm-hmm. Yep. I know you were hesitant about asking me to be the host of this because, you know, I'm, I'm not a serious guy and I wasn't sure if I could do it, but I know I was looking forward to it because it would be as, as just a, a, another episode in your podcast series. But also I knew that I would learn a lot about you that I didn't know before. You know about your upbringing, about your influences and stuff like that. So, I really appreciated it and I really had a, a wonderful time talking to you about this.

And also, I, I admire you as an artist because you're leaving behind a body of work for your son, you know, and I think that's, you know, it, it's not important that you promote your music or you, you have a career in music or anything like that. The most important to you, important aspect of it to you, is to leave something behind for, for Brucie, you know, to, to look back on. You know when, when I'm gone, I want my son James to, the only thing I'm gonna leave behind is songs for him. You know? ‘Cause he could get that glimpse into my, my brain and my thoughts and my principles and stuff like that. And you are doing that in a, a much deeper way with Brucie because you're writing these songs around him. I can always hear him in the background, you know, when you send me demos and stuff like that. So, I just love that. I admire you as an artist. That's your principal goal, to edify your son, you know? 

So, I want to thank you. I genuinely have admir, admiration for you as an artist.

Candy: Thank you.

Matt: Even though I break your balls constantly. 

Candy: You do. You do. But I, I really appreciate you saying that. Um, it's nice to hear when people like you, it's nice to hear it. 

Matt: It's flattering. 

Candy: You know, it, it, you know, it doesn't always happen. And I did want, I wanted you to host it actually, because I think it's just really neat for us to have this conversation when we make music together, you know? You have a different ability to see it in a certain way or to understand it in a certain way because of being a musician yourself.

I don't wanna be famous. I don't care about being famous. I, I saw a lot of the music industry when I was a child and it's not pretty, it's not safe. It's not a place, I don't believe it's a place, these are my own opinions, where you can really thrive in your creativity. I never wanna not be able to thrive in that creativity. Do I want people to listen to my music? Yeah, that'd be great. Like, that'd be nice, you know, it'd be nice to get, um, support and, and for people to say, hey, I really like that song. I really resonated with it. That is really cool. And that's really important. 

But the majority of why I do this is like you said about Brucie. I, you know, the, the songs my parents wrote and that I got to experience and hear when, you know, throughout my life, those were really important to me. They, they're still important to me. You know, I redid my dad's song, um, Your Memory Lingers On and it meant so much to be able to, to create my own version of something that meant so much to him and to think of, you know, Brucie singing my songs and, and enjoying them. And that's really, really cool because he's gonna grow up and he's gonna remember that song mom wrote or, you know what I mean?

I think it's really important for me that I do this for me. That I do this for my own healing, for my own therapy, for my own growth in this life, and it has been such an amazing tool in doing that. I'm in a very different space now than I have been for a very long time. I think a lot of it helps me to, to understand where I stand in this world and, and who I want along for the ride, and being creative and, and expressing myself the way I've been able to express myself through song has been so important in doing that. Yeah, do it for you!

Matt: Yeah. Absolutely.

Candy: Do it for you because you're not gonna always get the support you're looking for. And I wanna write from my house. I don't wanna have to go and tour. I don't.

Matt: Yeah. 

Candy: I'm too, I no. I, I love the comforts of my home. I wanna have a tea when I want a tea, I wanna put my feet up. I wanna, I wanna be with my kid and my husband and my cats, like - 

Matt: Yeah, if you were writing in another environment where you didn't have that, your songs wouldn’t be the same, they'd be -

Candy: No.

Matt: - corrupted somehow too from commercial interests or, or whatever.

Candy: Right. It changes and I, and I think for me, I was able to create my own safety to be able to start expressing myself with these songs and with the words that I'm writing. And so, yeah, I, I'm glad. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I decided that, that I deserve to have my voice be heard and to just get out there into the world and try my very best to not worry about what everyone else is gonna think, and just follow my joy, follow my heart, follow where I am meant to go.

Matt: Well, thank you for trusting me enough to be a part of that, and I'm very flattered by that. I'm very thankful for it. And also, thank you for inviting me to be part of this podcast. 

Candy: Thank you.